Reginald climbed a sentient mountain, misinterpreted cosmic truth, and started a podcast about it.
RD: Reality Download
Coming soon.
Please don’t encourage him.
Mt. Obsidian Wishes Upon an Asteroid
(A Meditation in Igneous Patience)
Mt. Obsidian had seen ages. Not “old” like a cathedral or a dusty book, old like having personally watched continents date, drift apart, and pretend the breakup was mutual. It remembered when trees were ferns, and when the sky was mostly volcanic confetti.
But if there was one era the mountain remembered fondly, it was the Jurassic Period. Not because of the dinosaurs, though the thunder-lizards had a certain charm, but because nature ran smoothly back then. No committees. No conspiracy hashtags. No balloons mistaken for gods. Just pure, uncomplicated instinct and the occasional enthusiastic volcano.
The mountain sighed across its tectonic plates, a sound deep enough to unsettle weather patterns. “Back then, everyone understood their place. No species debated whether I was real.”
It shifted, granite shoulders creaking. The mountain remembered the day everything changed, the moment the sky tore open and the Great Celestial Hammer arrived. It hadn’t been shocked. It had requested it.
Not intentionally, of course; mountains don’t send emails. But there had been a certain… prayerful longing, expressed in the spiritual language of magma plumes. A coded plea: “Hello cosmos, yes, these reptiles are getting very large and very bitey please send something large and definitive thanks.”
The cosmos responded with professionalism. An asteroid arrived. Accurate. Exceptional follow-through. The mountain still admired the workmanship, so symmetrical, so punctual, so terminal.
Back to the Present
Humanity had since become… exhausting.
They ignored ancient wisdom, argued with birds, worshipped trash, and mistook their creators for weather balloons. The mountain considered its options. Another cosmic nudge? Perhaps a gentle correction? Or, as the magma in its core whispered… A sequel.
Mt. Obsidian looked to the heavens, granite cranium tilted at a noble angle, and made a wish the way only a mountain could: By trembling its magnetosphere just enough to send a polite vibrational query across the Kuiper Belt.
“Is anyone free to drop by?”
The message traveled.
Silence.
Then, faintly, across gravitational channels: <AUTO-RESPONSE: THANK YOU FOR CONTACTING CELESTIAL IMPACT SERVICES. WE ARE EXPERIENCING UNUSUALLY HIGH DEMAND. YOUR RESET EVENT IS #14,982 IN QUEUE. ESTIMATED ARRIVAL: 600,000–3,200,000 YEARS.>
The mountain grumbled. “I miss when customer service was personal.”
A pause.
Then, from somewhere past Neptune, a small icy body perked up.
HEY UH I’M NOT OFFICIALLY SCHEDULED BUT I COULD SWING BY
The mountain considered. “How big?”
NOT FULL EXTINCTION JUST A LIGHT TAP
“…Make it BIG.”
OKAY HOLD MY ORBITS
Somewhere in the distance, humans looked through telescopes and tweeted: “New comet! DEFINITELY aliens!!”
The mountain did not correct them. It simply waited.
Patient.
Ancient.
Contemplating fireworks.
Operation: Words Will Stop The Rock
(A Very Inspirational Failure)**
Three weeks after astronomers detected an incoming celestial object, one with all the subtle grace of a freight train doing yoga, world leaders convened to decide how to respond. The options were:
Deflect it with rockets
Evacuate vulnerable regions
Unearth classified extraterrestrial tech
Pretend it doesn’t exist until after elections
Try to emotionally persuade it
The vote was embarrassingly close. Charismatic public figures insisted the asteroid simply needed inspiration.
To recap – An extinction-class cosmic projectile is inbound… and instead of unified logistics, planetary defense systems, or even a decent spreadsheet, humanity decides the best course of action is Motivational speeches. (Hot air.) At an asteroid. Moving at 47,000 mph.**
Let’s proceed.
Influencers posted: “We don’t need missiles! We need MINDSET.”
Hashtags emerged: #MotivateTheMeteor #ManifestDeflection #RocksHaveFeelings
A popular TED Talk titled “Are We Not All Celestial Debris?” trended for 72 hours.
The Global Broadcast
A massive array of satellites was redirected to beam a single unified transmission toward the asteroid. Humanity prepared to deliver its most passionate plea. The speech was written by: A best-selling self-help author, a TikTok life coach, and a committee from five nations who debated for four hours over whether to include emojis.
At the appointed hour, every major broadcast network went live. A polished spokesperson stepped up to the podium.
“Great cosmic traveler,” they began, dramatically adjusting their headset mic. We see you. We honor you. We believe in your potential to choose a path of non-impact.”
Cheers erupted across social media. Someone in Montana wept.
The Asteroid’s Perspective
The asteroid, named casually in cosmic registry files as GXM-1412, was not malicious. In fact, it had no concept of malice. Or language. It was a 7-mile-wide rock. It traveled not by choice but momentum. Humans beamed motivational content toward it at 200 terawatts.
Onboard sensors recorded the transmission as: Background microwave noise, slightly annoying. Several barnacle-like micro-comets riding on its surface interpreted the signal as: “LOUD STATIC.”
One fragment broke off from sheer vibrational irritation. It fell into the ocean and later inspired a cult.
Humanity Doubles Down
When the asteroid did not immediately change course, world leaders concluded the message lacked emotional connection. A second broadcast featured: A holographic eagle, a choir, and a final line delivered in twelve languages reading: “WE BELIEVE IN YOU.”
The asteroid continued accelerating. A politician declared: “It just needs time to process its feelings.”
Scientists collectively screamed into their sleeves.
Mt. Obsidian Observes
The mountain watched the spectacle in geological disbelief. “We are attempting to negotiate with inertia,” it muttered.
A tectonic plate groaned. “Perhaps extinction would simplify things.”
The Paleoluminari Step In
Deep beneath the ocean, the extradimensional beings convened.
Paleoluminari Prime: “They are trying to emotionally coach a boulder.”
Second Node: “Should we intervene?”
Prime: “If only to prevent them from trademarking the asteroid.”
They prepared a counter-transmission using gravity waves.
The Asteroid Finally Responds (Sort Of)
Moments before impact trajectory calculations turned catastrophic, sensors detected a minuscule course shift. Humanity erupted into celebratory chaos.
“THE SPEECH WORKED!”
“WE INSPIRED IT!”
“BELIEF SAVED THE WORLD!”
Governments held press conferences. Self-help gurus went on book tours. The asteroid passed by harmlessly, trailing ice and indifference.
The Truth (Classified)
The Paleoluminari had nudged the asteroid using extradimensional harmonic resonance. They did not correct humanity’s interpretation. They’d learned their lesson.
Final Commentary From Mt. Obsidian
“Perhaps it is good that they never understand.” A pause. “It gives them something to talk about.”
Somewhere overhead, a new comet entered the solar system. Humans pointed. “ALIENS!!”
The mountain sighed in basalt resignation.
Exhibit 7-B: The Asteroid Negotiation Era
Hall of Misapplied Metaphysics & Catastrophic Optimism
Earth Cultural History Museum (Post-Impact Reconstruction Wing)
Description: This exhibit commemorates humanity’s brief but passionate belief that celestial objects traveling at terminal velocities could be persuaded through emotional validation, spoken affirmations, and motivational rhetoric.
The movement peaked during the Near-Miss of GXM-1412 (c. 21st century), when world leaders delivered several globally broadcast speeches to a 7-mile-wide asteroid under the assumption that consciousness could be influenced through inspirational messaging rather than physics.
Key artifacts include: A reconstructed satellite dish used to transmit affirmations, Archival footage of crowds chanting “We Believe In You!” at the night sky, Ruins of the International Bureau of Cosmic Life Coaching, A preserved “#MotivateTheMeteor” merchandise hoodie.
Historical note: Humanity’s decision to emotionally coach an asteroid was partially influenced by early self-improvement literature, including As a Man Thinketh, a revolutionary book emphasizing that thoughts shape reality, though its author likely did not intend the doctrine to be applied to celestial projectiles traveling 47,000 mph.
Outcome: The motivational broadcasts were ultimately credited for saving Earth by multiple human governments, despite later evidence confirming that an aquatic extradimensional civilization nudged the asteroid off course to avoid cleanup obligations.
As a Rock Thinketh or The Immutable Path of Igneous Enlightenment**
By Granite P. Sedimentary, Esq. (A Mindset Guide for Creatures With Unrealistic Expectations)
Chapter 1: As a Rock Thinketh, So Is the Planet
All beings shape their reality through thought. Humans do this through the mind. Rocks do this through pressure, erosion, and refusing to move for five million years.
Chapter 2: On Stillness
Humans seek peace through meditation retreats in the mountains.
Mountains seek peace by being the retreat and silently judging everyone who visits. Do not chase stillness. Become geological.
Chapter 3: On Purpose
Humans ask, “Why am I here?” Rocks ask nothing. Rocks are the reason things exist where they do. A boulder never questions whether it should block a road. It simply blocks it, fully and without apology.
Chapter 4: The Law of Attraction (Actual Physics Edition)
Humans believe thoughts attract outcomes. Rocks believe gravity attracts outcomes, specifically sediment, glaciers, livestock, and occasionally tourists who slip. One method is spiritual. The other is measurable.
Chapter 5: Manifestation
Humans manifest wealth. Rocks manifest mountain ranges.
Chapter 6: On Emotional Resilience
When life becomes difficult, humans break down emotionally. When life becomes difficult for a rock, it literally breaks down into sand, enrolls itself into a river, reforms into sandstone, and returns as a towering mesa two epochs later. This is called self-improvement.
Chapter 7: Know Thyself
If a human loses a sense of identity, they spiral into crisis. If a rock loses identity, it becomes magma and reinvents itself as an entirely new species of mountain. Always be willing to melt down and start over.
Chapter 8: On Patience
Rocks do not hurry. Rocks do not stress. Rocks do not anxiously refresh tracking updates. Rocks wait. Sometimes for continents.
Chapter 9: Wisdom for Humanity
Stop worshiping balloons.
Stop yelling at comets.
Stop assuming ascended beings have limbs.
Stop throwing plastic in the ocean; that’s where your creators live.
Visit mountains to learn, not to pose for dating profiles.
Final Reflection — The Lesson Endures
In the end, after the balloons, the speeches, the misplaced worship, the cosmic misunderstandings, the oceanic sighs, and Mt. Obsidian’s increasingly dramatic appeals to the asteroid department, the universe held no grudges. It simply continued becoming.
Species rose, stumbled, evolved, dissolved. Civilizations built telescopes to search for gods in the sky while ignoring the ones in the soil. Humans yelled upward while mountains whispered downward. Comets passed by with terrible aim yet perfect timing.
And through every era, every extinction, every improbable reboot of consciousness, the planet kept teaching the same quiet truth: All forms change. All structures erode. All identities eventually dissolve. This is the template of creation.
Mountains collapse into sand.
Sand becomes sediment.
Sediment becomes stone.
Stone becomes fire.
Fire becomes mountain again.
The universe renews itself not by holding its form, but by surrendering it.
And so the final takeaway, etched in basalt and written in the language of magma, is not a warning, but a reminder: Always be willing to melt down and start over. That is how worlds are made, stars are born, and sometimes, that is how civilizations are saved.
How Mountains Become Fire and Fire Becomes Mountains (For Real)
The long-cycle explanation, simplified.
1. Mountains collapse into sand.
This is erosion. Wind, rain, ice, gravity, all of it slowly breaks mountains down. Over millions of years, enormous granite ranges turn into tiny grains.
2. Sand becomes sediment.
Those grains gather in low places, rivers, deltas, flood plains, ocean floors.
Layer by layer, sand mixes with mud, minerals, shells, organic debris.
The layers compact.
3. Sediment becomes stone.
Pressure + time = lithification. Sedimentary rock forms: sandstone, shale, limestone. The mountain has now become something new.
4. Stone becomes fire.
This is where the deep magic happens. As tectonic plates collide, descend, and/or grind past one another, sedimentary rock is dragged deep underground. Down there, heat and pressure are extreme. Stone melts into magma, the “fire” inside the Earth’s mantle.
5. Fire becomes mountain again.
Magma rises. Sometimes it erupts as lava. Sometimes it cools slowly underground, forming new igneous rock. Over time, uplift and tectonic forces push these cooled masses upward. New mountains form. Old mountains return wearing new faces.
The Whole Cycle in One Breath
Mountains
→ crumble into grains
→ drift into beds
→ compress into stone
→ melt into magma
→ rise again as mountains.
It is a planetary reincarnation cycle. Geology is rebirth in slow motion.
A Simplified Metaphysical Explanation for Reginald
(That he will absolutely misunderstand)
Reginald, listen closely, this is the entire universe explained in one cycle:. A mountain looks solid and eternal. But it isn’t. It’s just temporarily holding its shape. Eventually it crumbles into sand. The sand drifts and settles somewhere new. Pressure turns that drifting into stone. Stone sinks or is dragged deeper into the Earth where it melts, literally forgets its old form.
Then that molten fire rises again and cools into an entirely new mountain. So the “mountain” never dies. It just keeps changing costumes. Collapse. Drift. Pressure. Melt. Rise. Over and over.
Ideas do this.
Civilizations do this.
Identities do this.
Consciousness does this.
Even you do this, Reginald, every time you reinvent your podcast branding.
The universe isn’t asking you to stay the same. It’s asking you to keep reforming. And the most important part? The melting phase is not failure. It’s the reset that makes the next version possible.
To become something new, the old shape has to let go of itself. That’s the whole lesson, Reginald. The cycle is the awakening.
Reginald’s response: “So you’re saying the mountain wants me to get into hot yoga?” (He did not understand.)
Mt. Obsidian Notes
Meditation prompt: Always be willing to melt down and start over.
End Pt 4. Coffee break optional.
Next installment: A rustle of glossy black wings.
Conscious Living & Wendy's Coffeehouse 