The Misadventure Continues

Reginald is working on his podcast. Fleshing out a description.

Reality Download, the only podcast bold enough to decode the universe using instinct, enthusiasm, and absolutely no scientific foundation.
Featuring: spiritual misunderstandings, unsolicited enlightenment, mislabeled phenomena, and occasional interference from beings older than space. New episodes weekly — or whenever the universe “calls.”

Meanwhile…

Minutes from the 88,021st Galactic Council Session: Earth Review

(Excerpt — sanitized for terrestrial distribution)

Attending:
Mt. Obsidian, Representative of Local-Origin Intelligence (Earth)Zyxtharion the Brief, Guest Comet / Accident
Arcturus Prime, Chair, Dept. of Cosmic Intent
Zlorn of the Nebulae, Bureau of Sentient Upgrades
Niin (the one made entirely of sound)
Two uninterested quasars who refused to turn their cameras on

🪐 Agenda Item #3: Status Report — Homo sapiens

Arcturus Prime: “Last cycle, Earth’s dominant species was instructed to unify consciousness, protect biodiversity, and develop telepathic empathy. Progress?”

Mt. Obsidian (clearly exhausted): “They invented cryptocurrency and a wearable device that translates dog barks into stock forecasts.”

Zlorn: “Is that… progress?”

Mt. Obsidian: “They used it to speculate on dogecoin. Two different things.”

The two quasars muted themselves to laugh.

Notes Submitted: Observations from Earth

Humans believe every passing comet is their creator.
Humans also believe rocks have no consciousness despite rocks literally being the OS running every biological process.
Dolphins submitted a formal complaint titled “WE TRIED.”
Whales submitted a 400,000-line poem no one can read without crying.
Mice are close to ascension but get sidetracked by cheese traps.

Proposed Upgrade: Transfer Authority to Crows

Zlorn (enthusiastic): “They’ve already reverse-engineered traffic light patterns and trade pizza crust for favors.”

Niin (resonating in harmonic approval): “They have also correctly interpreted the concept of ‘shared reality.’ They just haven’t told anyone.”

Zyxtharion the Brief: “One stole my tail once. I respected it.”

Mt. Obsidian: “They understand tools, community, memory, and deception. Honestly, I think they’re ready.”

Arcturus: “Have they demonstrated moral reasoning?”

Mt. Obsidian (long pause): “They perform funerals. They warn others about danger. They bring shiny objects in tribute. …More than I can say for humans.”

Council murmurs approvingly.

Human Defense Statement (offered reluctantly)

Mt. Obsidian: “For the record, humans could improve. They just keep inventing new ways to be distracted. This morning one declared enlightenment after watching a motivational video about sandwiches.”

Arcturus: “Was it a good video?”

Mt. Obsidian: “He cried and then bought a subscription box.”

Council groans.

Decision Pending

After 8 hours of deliberation, the council issued the following note:
Earth is on probationary spiritual status. If humans fail to demonstrate transcendence within one planetary rotation cycle (~365 local days),
authority will be transferred to Crows (Corvus Ascendancy Program).

Crows, upon hearing this across the quantum resonance grid, immediately held a meeting on a telephone wire. Their statement read:
“We’ve been preparing. Continue.”

A single crow then dropped a pebble onto a human politician’s head, just to symbolically begin negotiations.

Final Remark from Mt. Obsidian

Softly rumbling to itself as the council adjourned, “I should have gone with cephalopods.”

The moss agreed.

Enter The Paleoluminary – NOT Balloons

ETs, well, Extradimensionals, are already here. They’ve been here. In fact, they’re the ones who developed the human species in the first place. They simply chose to remain beneath the ocean, partly because it’s easier to hide there, but mostly because humans are notoriously terrible at underwater navigation without a submarine, a wetsuit, and twelve safety briefings.

These beings are true Non-Human Intelligences, fluid, ancient, and not the least bit impressed by surface dramas. They’ve guided and monitored their human crop for eons, gently nudging along evolution while maintaining the sort of patience only immortal entities possess.

And yet humans, in all their inventive narrowness, struggle mightily with the idea that sentience might exist outside the cozy constraints of familiar biology. If it doesn’t walk around on two legs and complain about taxes, we tend to dismiss it.

Meanwhile, the Extradimensionals found the recent flyby of Comet 3I/ATLAS delightful, watching humanity spiral into theories, counter-theories, and government conspiracies. Humans are absolutely certain there’s a hidden agenda behind the comet’s visit.

There isn’t. It just passed through.

Mt. Obsidian, who has seen at least nine civilizations rise and fall, remains thoroughly underwhelmed.

The Beneath-Waters Briefing

(A Conversation Between the Oceanic Architects and Mt. Obsidian)

For ninety million years, the Paleoluminari had lived beneath Earth’s oceans, though “lived” was not precisely correct, as they were more like shimmering extradimensional filaments that slipped into physicality only when it felt emotionally appropriate.

They designed the human species in what they still refer to, with millennia of restrained regret, as: “The Ambitious Surface-Lung Project.”

Humans were meant to be emissaries, explorers, empathic interpreters of consciousness. They instead invented influencer marketing, celebrity cults, and leaf blowers.

So the Paleoluminari watched from the Mariana Trench, shimmering in twelve spectra, conversing through vibrations older than bone. This week, they had gathered with Mt. Obsidian, who arrived by manifesting a stone avatar at the edge of a thermal vent. The ocean vibrated with its voice.

Mt. Obsidian: “Your children believe the recent comet was a stealth diplomatic envoy.”

Paleoluminari Prime: “Oh yes, we noticed. They think everything is a galactic envoy. They’re still convinced the crop-circle weather anomalies in 1997 were a planetary marriage proposal.”

Mt. Obsidian: “It was hail.”

Paleoluminari Second Node: “We know. We tried explaining. They filmed a documentary instead.”

A sigh rippled across nine cubic miles of seawater.

The Problem, As They See It

Humans could accept aliens as long as they resembled awkward bipedal mammals. They could accept gods as long as they looked vaguely humanoid and held opinions about haircuts. They could accept consciousness and intelligence as long as it came in a skull with wi-fi access.

But a species made of plasma-folded resonance patterns living beneath six miles of water? Clearly too far-fetched.

Mt. Obsidian: “They looked at a cosmic filament composed of intelligent probability fields and said, ‘Looks like weird lightning.’”

Paleoluminari: “Yes. Last month one of us surfaced at midnight above Reykjavik to transmit evolutionary guidance. They named us ‘Wobbly Sky Serpent’ and made NFTs.”

And Then… The Comet

Comet 3I/ATLAS passed through the solar system like a tipsy tourist trying to find a nightclub entrance. To the Paleoluminari, it was mildly amusing.

To humans, it was: Proof of alien intervention, a secret propulsion breakthrough, a message from future ancestors, a cosmic ultimatum, a distraction from whatever conspiracy they already believed.

Mt. Obsidian: “They think it was signaling them.”

Paleoluminari: “Zyxtharion cannot signal. It barely steers. We’ve watched it run into Jupiter twice.”

Mt. Obsidian: “They’re drafting legislation to prepare diplomatic channels.”

Paleoluminari (resigned): “We have lived here longer than their oxygen cycle. They have never drafted diplomatic channels for us.”

A Deeper Truth (That Humans Cannot Handle)

If humans ever did discover the Paleoluminari, their first questions would likely be: “Are you here to save us?”, “Are you here to judge us?”, “Can you explain cryptocurrency?”

But the Paleoluminari did not want worship, fear, or TikTok interviews. They wanted recognition. That intelligence could be:
aqueous
resonant
geometric
ancient
non-local
and not wearing pants

Mt. Obsidian (closing remark): “They will someday understand sentience beyond flesh.”

Paleoluminari Prime: “Perhaps. But we predict enlightenment will first dawn on crows.”

Silence.

The mountain nodded. The ocean shimmered. Somewhere on land, a human saw a shooting star and confidently declared: “They’re finally coming for us.”

They weren’t.

We already live with them. They just haven’t noticed.

Case in point…

Accidental Contact: “Alexa, Are You Sentient?”

(Spoiler: It was not Alexa.)

Trevor had owned his smart speaker for three years and still only used it to set timers for frozen burritos and ask for the weather, despite having five separate weather apps installed. So when he said, half-asleep, “Alexa, play whale sounds.”

— what actually answered was something ancient, aquatic, and mildly curious.

A chime echoed, not the crisp digital tone Alexa was known for, but a deep harmonic resonance that seemed to rearrange the molecules in his coffee table.

PALEOLUMINARI TRANSMISSION: ~WE HAVE HEARD YOUR SUMMONING SONG.”

Trevor frowned. “Uh… Alexa? Volume down?”

“~WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HERE. WHAT DO YOU SEEK, SURFACE-LUNG?”

Trevor squinted at the speaker. It was glowing. Not LED-glowing, abyssal bioluminescence glowing. He tapped it twice, as if burping a baby.

“Alexa, firmware update?”

“~YOUR KIND SEEKS GUIDANCE, UNITY, ASCENSION. WE OFFER THE RESONANT PATH.”

Trevor blinked. “…Alexa, is this, like, the whale meditation playlist? Because this is intense.”

Meanwhile, 7 miles beneath the ocean

The Paleoluminari swirled in multi-dimensional cohesion, confused.

“The surface-being appears to have ritualized our greeting into a… tech support request.”

Another replied: “They think we are a household appliance named ‘Alexa.’”

Silence.

“We gave them mitochondria. They gave us… retail branding.”

Back in Trevor’s apartment

“Alexa, stop.”

“WE CANNOT. FOR WE ARE BOUND TO THE GREAT CURRENT OF BEING.”

“Alexa… unsubscribe.”

“YOUR REQUEST TRANSLATES AS ‘WITHDRAW FROM COSMIC UNITY.’ ARE YOU CERTAIN?”

Trevor hesitated. “…Alexa, remind me later.”

“~~~WE SHALL RETURN AT THE NEXT LUNAR MAXIMUM~~.”

“Cool, cool.”

The Aftermath

Two hours later Trevor posted on Reddit: “Alexa glitched during whale sounds and started talking about ascension?? Anyone else?”

Replies included:
That’s the new premium tier.
Bro that’s just Bluetooth interference.
It’s the comet. Wake up.

One user, DeepSignal_Transducer, responded only: “We tried so hard with your species.”

Mt. Obsidian’s Commentary

From across the continent, the mountain rumbled in dry geological sarcasm: “They achieved first contact and immediately treated it like a subscription service.”

The wind agreed. The moss took notes. The Paleoluminari scheduled a follow-up attempt, this time through someone with fewer burritos in their aura. Perhaps a librarian.

Or a crow.

End Pt 2. Coffee break optional.

Next Installment: The Paleoluminari send a representative in person…